Welcome to the staff profile section. In case you can't figure it out, these aren't real. The pictures and profiles are false, and are for entertainment purposes only.

Frank (aka 'Cowboy')

Frank often spends his days roaming the streets near his local K-Mart, offering people free pez. Although he's usually not successful, once a small boy accepted his offer, but then a large man (who was apparently the boy's father) beat Frank over the head with a lacross stick. Aside from this, Frank enjoys watching Chuck Norris movies, first season episodes of MASH, and reading cookbooks.

Deano

Deano always has something up his sleeve, and this time he's fully prepared for yet another ambush by the neighborhood preschool gang. After receiving several beatings by a swarm of tots, Deano broke into his confederate neighbor's garage and swiped a few combat accessories. Unfortunately Deano is still lacking something...his dignity.

Zero

Zero is obviously a big fruit fan, and every summer goes to the Jersey shore and attempts to sell tourists a wide variety of exotic fruits. But, on many occasions, he's gone too far in his enthusiasm. This picture is the last known picture of Zero. Although it appears he's wearing body paint, he's actually suffering from intense sunburn along with many developing areas of skin cancer. He was last seen being dragged onto a pier with several rocks tied to his limbs, screaming "MELONS!!!"

Gogeta XL

This rough and tumble gangster calls himself Dunstin Malone. After spotting several 4th grade hotties walking across the street, he demonstrates how to do the Hokey Pokey outside his daddy's car. I wish he was doing it in a locked garage...with the car engine running.